Acceleration
by Miss Pontmercy
Summary: In college, Natalie feels like she's on a different plane than Henry. Like her life's accelerating, too fast for him to hold on anymore. Maybe he should let go. But he won't- should she make him? How can they be apart after going through so much together?
1. Breaking Away

**Hey everyone. I just realized I made a geographical mistake before, in saying that Yale and Boston University were nearby... I was thinking Harvard... Stupid, stupid. But when reading this, can you just assume that they're going to school near each other? Ok thanks... haha**

* * *

My phone beeped, waking me up. And I had only _just_ fallen asleep!

"Goodnight! :-)" it read, from Henry.

I sighed, turning my phone off without writing him back. For the past few months, he'd been... more attentive than usual. Or maybe I've just been more aware of it. Whatever. It's been annoying. I don't need him to say goodnight to me every night, you know? Or always ask if I can go out with him this weekend, or what. I mean, I'm a junior this year, and super busy, and I can't _always_ be with him.

And whenever we hang out, we're always doing something slightly... loserish. I feel bad for thinking of it- I mean really, when I talk about Henry, everyone always asks if he has any brothers, and all that. Like he's the perfect boyfriend. But he's majoring in music education, and I'm in music and business. Not to say that what he's doing is stupid or whatever, but, well... Sometimes I feel like I'm moving on a different level than him.

I talked to a couple girls from Yale about him a few days ago, and they said that maybe I'd outgrown him. I don't know- maybe they were right. I really loved Henry for awhile there, but now I don't know if I do anymore. I care about him and everything, but he's been annoying me lately. And we've been dating for like four years, almost. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making this up, in my head- we've had rough spots, or boring spots, before, but now every time he calls I feel like I don't want to answer the phone.

Is that bad?

* * *

So there was a party tonight at these guy's apartment in my class. Real smart intellectual types, right? And everyone there was so smart- I mean, I know Yale kids are smart, I'm one of them. But even after almost three years here, I haven't gone to many parties or anything. I've got a couple friends, but was it wrong to spend my weekends with Henry, when most of my week was devoted to Yale?

I don't know... but anyway, tonight was so much fun. There was wine- not beer- and we were talking and having these debates and discussions. This isn't the first time I've gone to these kinds of parties, but this was the first one where I felt like I really belonged. I'm part of this crowd now, I think.

The apartment was off campus, and this guy there- Ben, his name was, a physics major, real smart- who offered to drive me home. It was kind of a long walk at night and all, and you know, it _is_ New Haven. He had a car, so, well... I said yes. No big deal.

Henry called my cell while I was at the party, but it was on silent. He wanted to know if I was free. Doesn't he have anyone else to hang out with?

* * *

I went to a couple more of those parties, and then after that this more exclusive group started hanging out. Studying and going to get coffee and stuff like that, really fun. That Ben guy goes a lot, and he always offers to drive me home. I don't have a car. He's nice and everything, and he's _really_ smart. He's got all these great ideas about education, and politics. Today, he said that I should come out with some of his friends- people in this really active political group.

"We only like to hang out with people who are, well, you understand. You've been there- the people who are smarter, who work hard and all that. Because who wants to listen to someone who doesn't even get it?" he said.

I totally understand- there's always people in my dorm shooting off their mouths about stuff like politics, but- smart though they may be- they don't really get it. But Ben does.

I don't know if I do, though.

I told him I was a piano player, and he said that was cool. He used to play classical violin. He says that jazz is just making shit up. I told he should have met me before junior year, and we would have gotten along. He said we get along now. He's right.

* * *

Today, I got a call from Henry. He wants to know what's up with me lately, and you know what? I don't know that I want to put up with it anymore. He always wants to know where I am and if I can hang out, but I've got work to do. He's so clingy, like he has nothing better to do. And Henry's usually figuring out some way to beat the system and all- what with the pot, and his philosophical and cynical "the world sucks," attitude, and I'm getting sick of it. Ben said that you should _improve_ the system, not beat it. That's what Erasmus said. I don't think Henry means it, though. He's just... Henry.

* * *

I think I really like Ben. I've been thinking about him all the time, and I even dreamed about him once. Nothing weird, but... well, I haven't dreamed of Henry in a few months now. We haven't slept together in weeks. I haven't even wanted to.

I still care about Henry, and everything. But I feel like my life's moving forward so much faster than his, and that he keeps trying to hold onto me. Like he's slowing me down, and Ben speeding me along. We sort of run on the same page. Maybe it's just time I looked for something else; I need someone more on my page. Henry will always be special to me; he was there for me when no one else was. But that isn't a reason why I should date him forever.

I'll be nice about it, though. I'll break up with him quickly- like ripping off a band-aid. I hope he'll be ok, though. I don't know what he'll do if we're not together.

* * *

Ben and I, along with a couple other people, went out to dinner tonight. We were talking about lots of stuff, real stuff- issues and everything, when this girl in one of my English classes walks up. I don't really know her, but I can say that I don't know how she got into Yale- she's kind of a ditz. Someone you know must be smart, but she's hiding it for some reason. Anyway, I said hi, and then she asked what we were talking about it. One of Ben's friends said something mean. He told her what we were talking about, but then he said, "I don't know if you would understand... Well, it's kind of advanced..."

I mean, it was a higher-level conversation or whatever, but it wasn't _that_ smart- we were kind of laughing and stuff. Not goofing off- I don't think I've ever seen them goof off. But you know; it wasn't too difficult to understand.

"Oh, well... ok," she said. Ben laughed really hard. I didn't know what to think about that. It felt kind of good to be part of a group, though. A 'smart' group. Even if they could be mean; but everyone is mean sometimes, right?

Ben kissed me tonight. Instead of just dropping me off on the way home, he walked me to the door of my dorm and kissed me. It felt... different. New and exciting. He told me to call him tomorrow, and we can go study together.

I won't cheat on Henry. I've got to break up with him tonight, or as soon as I can. I can't do anything to hurt him unnecessarily.

And anyway. Henry deserves more than me; I may be smarter, but he's nicer. He deserves someone who can love him the way he loves her. And I guess that's just not me.

* * *

I did it this morning. I called Henry last night right after Ben left and told him we had to talk, and then I went to his dorm this morning and told him I thought we had grown apart.

He tried to argue with me- he said we'd just been going through something these last couple weeks, but I told him no. It's been more than a couple weeks, anyway. And maybe it's time we started seeing some other people.

He asked what 'other people' I wanted to see. I couldn't tell him. I won't hurt him that way.

"Nat, no. You're making a mistake. I _love you-"_

"No, Henry, I'm not making a mistake."

He turned away, and didn't look at me again.

"I'm really, truly sorry, Henry. I-"

There was nothing left for me to say.

"Goodbye."

I let myself out.


	2. Remember his Promise?

**Henry**

I can't believe it. We're _over._ I... I thought this would happen someday- sometimes Natalie just gets to angry, that I thought she might not want me around one day.

That's not true. I never thought we'd be over. I couldn't think of it. She's been the biggest part of my life for the part four years, and I _love _her. Did she forget that?

She's been hanging out with those stuck-up, rich, old-money third-generation Yale assholes lately, who I know would eat me alive if they met me. In fact, they've seen me a couple times, and just the _looks_ they gave me make me know that I wasn't smart enough to be in their group. Or good enough, rich enough, exclusive, 'political', or intellectual enough. But what the hell? I love Natalie more than anything else- certainly more than anyone I've ever met. And I guess that's not enough.

I always knew I wasn't good enough for her- what with being lazy and all that. And I'm not exactly social, and the pot thing... but I always thought if I was there for her enough, if she_ knew,_ well...

I had my chance, and I guess she just doesn't want me anymore.

I can't tell anyone how much this hurts.

* * *

**Natalie**

Henry keeps calling or texting me. He knows I'm with Ben now; it's on facebook. I think he's madder about that than actually breaking up with him. One of his voicemails was like this: "Nat- if you're not going to talk to me, I'm just going to talk to you then. If I'm not good enough for you, fine, but I don't want to see you get hurt. This guy's a douche, I can just tell, and if he hurts you, then you can just... I mean, I'll-" the beep cut him off there.

I texted him back, telling him that it's none of his business and to leave me alone. I should have remembered form junior year that that _never_ works. I've just tried to ignore it now.

My dad called me a couple days ago, and I told him about breaking up with Henry and getting together with Ben. It went something like this:

"Dad, Henry and I broke up."

"Oh, Nat, I'm so sorry. What happened? Well, actually, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to..."

"No, dad, it's ok. I broke up with him."

"God, Nat- why?"

"Well... I feel like we grew apart. And he's been sort of clingy... anyway, I'm with someone else now. His name's Ben, and he goes here, to Yale. He's a physics major."

The line was silent for awhile. "Are you sure, Natalie? What did Henry say?"

"Well, he was upset, but I feel like I have to do what's best for me."

"Of course," he said, sounding sort of angry.

"Dad-"

"Nat, I just want you to think about this, because I don't know how often you'll find someone like Henry in your life."

"Geez, thanks for the advice dad, but I think I can handle it."

Anyway, he wasn't too happy. But oh well.

* * *

Ben and I do all kinds of cool stuff- we go to more of those parties, but now he usually says we should leave. "This is pretty stupid," he says. "Let's do something really fun." When he kisses me, it still feels great- like adrenaline or something. Something daring and new and shocking. I like it. It doesn't give me the old comfort that kissing Henry did- this makes me feel on edge, like I was getting the old high, familiar from back when I went on that stint with mom's drugs. I still feel like I'm chasing something I might never catch up with, but this time it feels _right_. Not messed up or sick like doing drugs did. I don't have the same hunger for him like I did for those pills. It's a different hunger... I'm sure it's healthier, too.

This weekend we went to a march in Boston. At first it was really cool- all these young people were there, protesting the war. But then it started to get, sort of... violent. I didn't feel really comfortable. I've never been super into politics- I can hold my own in a discussion and I have an opinion and all that, but never as much as Ben. They're like his _life, _and he gets into this heated arguments.

These two guys got into a shouting match, and then a few others joined in. Soon it was a full-fledged fight, and people were screaming... I didn't want to be there anymore. It wasn't a peaceful, organized march. It was distasteful and wild.

"Ben, I want to go now."

"Natalie- seriously, this isn't a big deal. Calm down. And we're just getting started-"

"Ben, really, I want to _leave."_

"God, Nat, why do you have to be like this?"

"Be like _what? _There're people fighting each other- I don't feel _safe-"_

"You don't feel _safe?_ And you felt safe when your pothead boyfriend drove you around?" Ben said, his words stinging. Why was he bringing Henry into this discussion? He had _nothing_ to do with what we were talking about!

"Ok, for one thing, he's my ex-boyfriend. But he wasn't like stoned when he drove me places. He wasn't a bad person, just because-"

"Just because he was on drugs?" Ben said, smirking.

"That's _beside the point._ Take me home, please, or I'm going home on a bus."

Ben sighed, looking melodramatically at the protest. "Fine. Let's go."

* * *

Henry knocked on my door today. Not kidding, he came to my dorm, begging me to listen to him. I was like "what the hell?"

"Henry, I don't want to hurt you... but we're over. We broke up a month ago. Please just leave me alone."

"Natalie, I _know._ Stop acting like you were the only one in that relationship, please. I want to tell you something."

"_What?" _I asked, exasperated.

"I want to say that, well... Even if you don't want to be together anymore, I still want to be with you. To know what you're up to, and all. That's all- I'm not going to push you. And if you ever need a friend, I'm here. Always. I'll always be your friend, Natalie, above all else."

I tried to hide my confusion, and slight embarrassment, as I thanked him. I know I should have invited him in or something, but I'm not ready for that. Even though I broke up with him, it doesn't mean I'm quite over it. I still miss him a lot, and having him over wouldn't help. It's really, really hard, losing someone who's been your constant for the past four years.

* * *

**Henry**

I think Natalie might have actually listened to me. I really hope she has. I promised her a long time ago to stay with her no matter what- even if she's broken up with me, I'm still going to look after her. Even if she doesn't want me around, I'll make sure she's ok.

I don't know him, but I really just don't have a good feeling about this Ben guy. Maybe it's because I still love her and I'm jealous, but I don't know. I feel sick when I think of him. I've run into her a couple times with him, and she has this familiar look on her face- this lost look that I remember all too well. It took everything I had to pull her out of that, or rather to help her pull herself out. I hope she's not doing something stupid again. I hope she's ok.

Sometimes, at night, I think of them together. I know I shouldn't- it makes me so sick I feel like I could throw up. I think of him kissing her, and well... I wonder if they've slept together.

We were each other's first times, and well... I know guys aren't supposed to keep track of that kind of stuff, but it mattered to me. It meant a lot. He would be her second. I mean, I know she broke up with me and everything, but I know and trust her enough to know she never cheated on me. I still feel like I know her better than anyone. I don't know that I'll ever 'get' someone like I got Nat. She just made sense to me, even when she thought she didn't make any sense at all. And she understood me, when no one would be my friend. That had to have counted for something, right? Maybe she'll call me eventually. For now, I feel like my heart's broken.

I hope she hasn't slept with him.


	3. A Phone Call in the Night

**Natalie**

"Look, Ben, I _told you-"_

"Natalie-"

"No, listen-"

"No, _you_ listen. You're just so... boring all the time now, Nat. I don't get it. Why don't you ever want to do anything fun anymore?"

"Anything _fun?"_ I asked, dumbfounded, ready to drop the phone. "Maybe I'm sick of going to the same damn bars with the same pretentious, boring people every night!"

"Maybe you just don't fit in there," he said coldly.

His words hit her like cold bullets.

"Maybe not."

The line was quiet for a few long seconds.

"Look, Nat- I have to go. I'll call you later or something-"

"Fine. Whatever."

"Sorry- I'm sorry-"

"Sure. Talk to you soon."

"Nat, I didn't mean-"

But I'd already hung up.

* * *

It was strange. When Henry and I had first broken up, I'd classified it by how long I'd been seeing Ben. "Two weeks now," I would think, or "It's been three weeks since our first date." But now, when I've been seeing Ben for almost two months, my thoughts had gone right back to Henry. "We've been broken up a month and a half," I'd thought just a few weeks ago. Should my thoughts be flip-flopped? Should I have been thinking of Henry weeks ago, and not anymore, or was this normal? It had eight weeks since they ended their relationship- or, rather, since I had ended out relationship- and nearly four since I'd seen him or spoken to him. I stalked his facebook page, but that was totally normal. Whenever he came online while I was, I signed off so he wouldn't chat with me.

I tried not to think about it, but she missed him. Laying alone at night, I would think about him telling a funny joke, or how he could always make me feel better. Things with Ben weren't working out, but I knew better than to think this was because I'm missing Henry. This was only natural. I mean, Henry had been my first... everything. High-school boyfriend, serious boyfriend, best friend, the guy who'd been there for me no-questions-asked-no-matter-what, the one I'd lost my virginity to, the one who'd wanted me to get into Yale almost as much as I had myself, who had, for almost five years, been more of my home than my parents had. So, even if we were through, it would make sense that I'd dwell on all the good memories. Whenever I remembered how things had been in the final months of their relationship, though, I'm confident that I've made the right decision. Right.

But Ben wasn't all bad, either. Ben had been someone who'd opened my eyes to who I could be. Henry had been laid-back and calm, the "nice guy." Ben was smart, funny, cool, and was going somewhere. But he wasn't who I wanted to be with, either. He thought the world of himself- and that is _so _not what I'm looking for.

_Henry never did that,_ a small voice in my head told me. I ignored it. I had never been egotistical either, so that was another reason he's was wrong for me. But he was still fun sometimes.

We'd been going out a lot lately- too much, actually. There was always smart conversation wherever we were, but there was never any work getting done. I've had to bow out of the latest get-togethers and parties with the "smart people," and even cancel dates because I'd had to catch up on homework. Though we were "in a relationship" on facebook, and had a date every weekend, I'm still not sure if he was my boyfriend yet. And there was no way- despite what he wanted- he was going to come into my apartment.

* * *

Later that night, around seven, Ben called again and asked if I wanted to go to a party with him. This time it was a Friday night, so I really could go without interfering with work. But I didn't want to go, knowing we'd only end up fighting. It seemed to be all we ever did lately. Maybe with the weekend apart we'd be ok again on Monday. Plus my roommates weren't home that night, and so I had the small apartment to myself for once.

"No, thanks- I'm gonna stay home," I said to his displeasure.

At eleven-thirty my phone rang again, waking me up. _It better not be Ben,_ I thought. But it was my dad.

"Hello?"

"Nat-? Hi- it's me. You need to come home now-"

"What?"

"It's your mom- she'd in the hospital. They just called-"

"Mom? What happened? They called you? What did she-"

"I'm still the person listed for them to call, Nat. And she didn't do anything herself, this time. Apparently she was seeing a new doctor and they gave her a new balance of medication, and, well..."

My breath got stuck in my throat with a rattling gasp.

"... it didn't agree with her system."

"Is she alright?"

"She's alive."

_She's alive._ That made it sound like she almost wasn't.

"But you need to come now. I can't come get you- please-"

"I'll be there. I'll call you when I get closer."

"Ok. We're t the hospital in town."

I hung up and dropped the phone onto the bed, before my knees started shaking and I had to sit down right next to it. Nothing like this had happened in years. Years and years. And now, suddenly... My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't control them and I felt like I was going to throw up. But I had to get going- there wasn't much time.

I stood up and pulled on my boots and coat, slipping on some gloves. It was a cold November.

Then I remembered I didn't have a car, and there was no one home to drive me.

_Shit! Shit! Goddammit..._

I fumbled around with my phone, before swearing again and taking off the gloves that were inhibiting me from typing in a number before finding Ben in my contact list and called him.

"Hello?" he said, the noise of a party in the background.

"Hi- Ben?"

"Yeah, Natalie?"

"I have to go home-"

"You are home-"

"No, Ben, just shut up and listen-"

"Don't tell me to shut up!"

"Ben- _listen!_ There's something wrong with my mom, ok? I need to go home- just give me a ride."

"Natalie, you live like three hours away-"

"Only, two, for god's sake. And you can give me a ride to the train station if that's too much for you. Please?"

He sighed low and deep, and didn't say anything.

"Fine," I said, so furious I could hardly get the words out. But when I did, I was shaking with a kind of satisfaction and high that came from supreme anger. "Fine. Don't think about anyone other than yourself. But don't even think about ever speaking to me again."

I shut the phone and threw it on the bed. It bounced and landed on the carpet. I kicked one of my shoes across the room, and screamed in anger. _What am I going to do_? Tears, hot from anger and stinging with sadness and fear squeezed out of my eyes and fell down my cheeks, hot and wet, just reminding me of the time I was wasting. Most of my friends didn't have cars, and the ones that did were either out or mad at me. No one would drive me... most of the friends I'd been hanging out with lately weren't really _my _friends, they were Ben's. My old friends were mad at me for ditching them for him, and probably wouldn't help me out anymore. I hadn't spoken much to most of them in the past couple weeks.

_If I were in their position, I wouldn't help me, either,_ I thought. _Well, at least I know none of them are any better people than I am._

Better people...

As soon as the thought occurred to me, I couldn't think about it any more, couldn't think about how selfish it was, but I was calling him anyway before I could chicken out.

"Hello?" his voice said, colored with confusion. At first I didn't even notice the relief I felt upon hearing it again.

"Hi- Henry, it's me. I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't be calling you, I know you probably never want to see me or speak to me again, and you probably hate me, but there's no one else I can call. I have to go home- my mom's in the hospital and I need to go and see her. Something went wrong with her drugs, and my roommates aren't home... and my boyf- Be- He won't drive me..." for some reason, I couldn't even get his name out. "I just need a ride to the train station- that's all- and I understand if you don't want to- you don't have to-"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

The line went dead.

I stared at her phone, flashing "Henry, 1m 46s at 11:39 pm EST" until it went away.

He really was a better person than I ever would be.


	4. Score!

**Natalie**

Twenty minutes later, a familiar banged-up car pulls up outside my apartment. I don't make him wait a second before I run outside and jump in the passenger's seat.

"Thank you so much for doing this- really- I mean, I haven't spoken to you in weeks, and then you're here-"

"What are friends for?" he said simply, and I fell silent.

For a few minutes we were silent. I wasn't sure if he was feeling as awkward as I was, or if he just preferred to ride in silence. He almost always had music playing when he was driving, but tonight it was quiet. The car smelled the same, though: not a trace of new-car smell (it was almost fourteen years old) but instead there was a mix of some gross smell that had come with the car, all covered up with a huge dousing of Lysol from when Henry had tried to make it smell nice. For some reason this comforted me. This, at least, had not changed.

I looked over at him. His eyes were on the road, and both hands were on the wheel. He had gotten a haircut sometime in the past couple weeks, I noticed, and was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt I'd seen many times before. He looked good.

I turned to face the road, and just then noticed him turning right when he should have gone left in order to get to the train station.

"Oh, no, Henry, go left."

"Why?"

"The station's that way."

"I'm not taking you to the station."

I felt a flash of confusion and annoyance at his words. Him, too? I had to get there, and fast.

"Seriously, Henry- I have to get there-"

"I know- but it's midnight. I checked on my phone after you called- there isn't a train until 12:45 and you're not waiting at the station this late, and who knows if your dad can pick you up when you actually do get home. I'm not just going to leave you there; there's too many creepy people. And it's not that big of a deal to just drive you all the way."

I wasn't sure whether to be very, very glad that he was willing to do this, or worried that he still cared this much. "Henry, thank you. But it's two hours from here."

He shrugged. "I'm already out."

I nodded. After another half hour of silence, I decided to call dad and tell him I was on the way.

"Hey, dad."

"Hey, Nat- are you coming?"

"Yes- I'm about an hour and a half away."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. After I hung up I realized you didn't have a car, but you didn't call back so I figured you didn't need a ride. You have a ride, don't you? You're not taking the train this late, are you?"

Seriously, I don't know why everyone's freaking out. I've taken the train before. Still, I guess better safe than sorry. "Yes, I um... I have a ride."

"Who's taking you? Ben?"

"Um, no actually. Henry's driving me," I said, waiting for the words to sink in. The line was quiet for a few seconds.

"Oh," her dads voice said, but she cut him off before he could ask anything else.

"How's mom?"

"She's doing well. Or they think she is. She hasn't woken up yet, and she's still being treated right now. They don't know anything yet."

I nodded before remembering he couldn't see me. "Ok. Well, call me if you hear anything."

"I will, Nat. And lemme know when you're nearby."

"Ok dad. See you."

After I hung up, I saw Henry glance at me.

"So, um... just out of curiosity, why am_**I **_driving you?"

His words hung there for a moment before I could answer. I didn't want to give him all the details, but I didn't know how else to say it. "My roommates weren't home, and... well, most of my friends are mad at me. And no one else would. And you said you would help me out if I needed it, so I just..." I trailed off. Was I taking advantage of his promise?

"Why are you friends mad at you?"

"Because I've sort of ditched them all for the people who I've been hanging out with lately," I said.

"Why isn't one of them driving you, then?" he asked. "I mean, where's your boyfriend?"

"He's not... I mean, I don't know if he is or not. But he was being an asshole and whether or not he was my boyfriend doesn't matter anymore, because he definitely isn't going to be for much longer."

"But he wouldn't drive you? You asked?"

"Yeah. He wouldn't even drive me to the train station. He's been such an asshole lately, and he keeps asking me to go out, and I'm busy and I don't want to go, and he hangs out with a bunch of people I don't like, and he keeps pressuring me to- never mind, you probably don't want to hear this. I mean, you were nothing but nice and kind to me, and then I just treated you like shit, breaking up with you and not speaking to you, until I need help again, and then I speak to you again... I'm sorry, I'm just such a bitch."

"You're not a bitch, Nat."

"How can you even _say_ that? You deserve more than me, but I broke up with you for such a stupid, selfish reason."

"I'm not saying you were right, because I think you were wrong to just end it like that. So fast, I mean... but it doesn't make you a bitch. And, Natalie... it's ok to change your mind."

I don't know what he meant by that- change my mind about him? As in when I changed my mind and broke up with him, or I should change my mind now? Or is he talking about Ben?

"Henry, I'm sorry for how I treated you. You don't deserve that."

He nodded. "Apology accepted."

He was quiet for a few minutes, and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking. What he was feeling. Hell, I would have given anything to know what _I _was feeling. Guilt about ditching Henry for Ben was bubbling in my stomach, and I don't know if it's because Ben was such a jerk or because I wish I was still with Henry.

Do I?

"So," he said, breaking the silence and my thoughts. "Um, how much of a jerk was Ben?"

There was curiosity burning beneath his words.

"He was fine for awhile, but um... well, things just got strained. He's full of himself and just... not right for me, you know?"

He didn't say anything. I cringed, knowing I shouldn't have asked for his opinion about this.

"He's a douche bag for not caring enough about you to drive you to visit your sick mother, for god's sake."

I could hear his meaning beneath his words: "_He's a douche bag for not caring as much for you as I do."_

Did he still love me? He shouldn't, but who had once again helped me out, no-questions-asked? It was one in the morning now. Why else would he be driving me?

Well, here's one answer: I am positive that no one else loves me. My dad loves me, and possibly Henry. No one else loves me, and no one else is driving me. But Henry is. Does that mean he _does_ love me?

But I can't think about him anymore. My thoughts left Henry and started drifting towards my mother. What if after all this depression and illness, she had died from something like this? Died fighting? Died taking these pills to make her better? After trying to commit suicide, how could she die trying to make herself better? It's sick, I know- I can't lose her this way. Even though sometimes I hate her, and I used to think she was weak for not being able to get over my brother and care for me, I now know she's the strongest person I will ever know. After over twenty years of suffering, she's still trying to fight. And still losing.

Tears spilled over, and I unconsciously reached for Henry's hand, which was now on the armrest. I felt instant comfort.

"Nat- please don't do that," he said. "Unless you mean it."

"I'm sorry," I said, moving away and feeling guilty. Of course he wouldn't want me to touch him. Not after how I've hurt him. "I just don't want my mom to go _this _way..."

"Oh, Nat, I'm sorry," he said, sounding guilty. God, he didn't need to be. But he nervously touched my shoulder, and then put this arm around me. It was a little awkward because there was the armrest between us, but I didn't mind. I know it was probably only because he knew I was crying, but I didn't care. Even if we could never be together again, he was still one of the best friends I've ever had, and it was nice to be talking again.

"Thanks," I said.

"That's what friends are for," he repeated. "So, do you want to talk about your mom?"

I told him what I knew, but that wasn't much. It did make me feel better, though, and it passed the time. When we were pulling up to the hospital, I called dad again. We pulled into a parking space.

"Do you mind if I go in with you? I don't really want to just go back home; I'm too tired. I understand if you want privacy, but I could just wait with you, too."

"No, I don't mind- that sounds perfect."

But we still didn't get out of the car. I took a deep breath and then said everything I'd wanted to all night.

"Henry, thank you so much for doing this. Really- you're the best friend I've ever had. The best person who's ever been in my life. And I'm sorry for not seeing it before. I hope you can forgive me."

"Natalie," he said, shaking his head, "I already have. As long, of course," he smiled semi-jokingly, "that you break up with that guy tomorrow."

"Done," I said. Did he mean what I think he means...?

"It's not like you guys were too serious or anything, right? It was only like two months..." There was an edge of curiosity in his voice, and also a too-innocent tone in which he said it.

The words were out before I could think about them. "I never slept with him. He wanted to, but I wouldn't let it get anywhere close to that. I've only ever slept with you."

I stopped, blushing, and wanted to cover my mouth with my hands. Was that what he wanted to know? Did he even care? It wasn't his business- me sleeping with Ben, I mean. And then bringing up us sleeping together... I just opened the car door, the lights coming on and flooding the car, allowing him to see how red I was. The lights effectively ended the easy conversation between us, and I didn't know that it would come back later. "I should go in- I mean, you're coming too, right... I forgot. Um, so... So I guess_ we_ should go in... Wow, it's cold out..." I laughed nervously and then wanted to punch myself. "Let's go."

I walked out of the car, into the parking lot, and heard him go out and lock the doors. We entered the hospital, me holding my breath. We checked in, and went to the ward where mom's room was, and found dad in the waiting room. I ran over and hugged him.

"How is she?"

"No idea... no one's told me anything yet," he said, his face pale. I nodded, ignoring the sick feeling in my stomach and knowing I was probably as pale as he was. Dad turned and saw Henry, who I still couldn't look at.

"Good to see you," he said a little too meaningfully. And then he _hugged _him. Oh god. "Thank you for bringing Natalie."

"It was nothing, Mr. Goodman."

"You can go sleep, if you want. It's late. I can give you the keys to my apartment if you don't want to drive all the way home."

"No," Henry said. "I might as well stay, if that's alright with you."

"It's fine with me. Whatever you want. But thank you."

I just took a seat on the plastic, fake-leather seats, and waited. I was confused about Henry, wondering about what I was feeling. Was I confused? Sad about Ben? Or did I love Henry again? Or more likely... still love him?

But more importantly, I was worried about mom.

_Please, please be ok,_ I thought, clasping my hands together and trying my hardest not to think.

* * *

**Henry**

I tried to listen to what Mr. Goodman was saying, and tried my hardest to not smile when we were waiting. Everyone else- Mr. Goodman and Natalie and all the other people in the waiting room- was sad, and I didn't want to be "that jerk who was happy in the hospital." And I really was worried about Nat's mom. No one seemed to know anything, and I knew enough about her illness and what had seemed to be her slow recovery to know that an ending like this would be tragic. More tragic than any other ending, I mean.

But I couldn't really think about that, because all I was hearing was a kind of song in my head the whole time.

_Natalie's breaking up with Ben! She called __**me!**_

_She NEVER SLEPT WITH HIM! Yes!_

And there was still the ride home to look forward to.

_Score!_


	5. Don't Thank Me

**Natalie**

This waiting is killing me. More than me, though, is Dad. He keeps pacing around, and I know he feels responsible. Like all the other accidents, he thinks this one is his fault. I know that he and mom aren't together anymore, but it's obvious he still loves her. And that, no matter how little she gave in return, he's do anything for her. Kind of like...

I look over at him. Henry. He's staring blankly at the floor with bleary eyes and a vague smile on his face. I feel bad; he doesn't have to be here. It's four in the morning, and all I can think about is sleep, and it's _my _mother who's in the hospital. He must be feeling awful. Exhausted; after all, he has no reason to be here, except to support his bitch of an ex-girlfriend who only started talking to him again because _she_ needed help. Seriously, if that girl wasn't me, I'd hate her. Maybe I do anyway.

But dad keeps offering the keys to the apartment, and he keeps saying no, no matter how tired he is. Dad says he'll drive me home, too. Again Henry says no.

I think I fell asleep then. I'm not sure, but when I opened my eyes again, Dad was sitting next to me and Henry was gone.

"Hey," Dad said.

"Hi... did I fall asleep?"

"I think so. Not too long, though. It's four-thirty."

I nodded and yawned. "Where's Henry?"

"Getting coffee."

I nodded again.

"Nat?"

"Hm?"

"Where's Ben?"

I knew this was coming, from the way Dad had sounded on the phone when I mentioned Henry was driving me. "Not here. And you won't ever end up meeting him, Dad, because he's history."

He nodded. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine... I learned that he was a jerk anyway."

"Are you back together with Henry then?" He sounded optimistic.

"No. But Ben wouldn't drive me to the train station and I called Henry on a whim and he picked me up and drove me all the way here, so... well, I don't know what that means."

"It means Henry's a good person," Dad said. Well, duh. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"I know that."

"But that doesn't mean you have to get back together with him, Nat. Not if you don't want to. You don't need a boyfriend."

Um, thanks, Dad, for the inspirational advice.

"All I can say is I'm glad to see him again," he finished.

_Me too,_ I wanted to say, but didn't.

And then Henry was back with the coffee, and so dad got the hint and stopped talking about us.

And then we waited. And waited. And waited.

I drifted off again, I guess, and when I woke up, I didn't know where I was at first. I hadn't opened my eyes yet, but my head was on something soft. I heard all this noise around me, and smelled something industrial, like cleaning products and plastic. When I opened my eyes, I had to close them instantly because of the blinding fluorescent lights of the hospital. Then I blinked again, and turned to see my head on something made of dark blue and gray cotton.

What?

I sat up, and then turned away, wiping the sleep from my eyes. I'd fallen asleep on Henry's shoulder. Can you say 'awkward'?

"Um, sorry," I mumbled.

"What?" he asked, looking over like he had just noticed me sitting next to him.

"I kind of fell asleep on you... I mean, never mind."

"Oh, right. It's ok," he said, giving a tired smile.

I looked around again, and this time noticed that, apart from a few stragglers in the waiting room, we were alone.

"Where's my dad?"

"A nurse came about ten minutes ago to talk to him. You were asleep, but it wouldn't have mattered; he was the only one allowed to go into the hospital room anyway."

I gulped. "Did she say anything?"

He shook his head. "No. She just asked for your dad, and he just got up and went with her. I don't know if it was good news or anything."

"So... we wait?"

He shrugged. "I guess."

"Henry... thanks for doing this."

"You've thanked me like twelve times tonight, Nat- Natalie. I told you- I don't mind."

There was something in his voice... annoyance perhaps? But I couldn't tell what it was, because just then Dad came back.

"Natalie," he said, jogging over to me. "Di- mom should be alright. I just went into see her- she had woken up from her treatment, but then they sedated her and she's sleeping now. I don't know the logistics, but her stomach's been pumped and they had to even out her blood system. She'll be in a lot of stomach pain for a few days, but she should be fine. They doctor said they might even release her on Sunday, if she keeps improving at this rate." As soon as the words 'she should be fine' had left his mouth, I leaped up and hugged my dad, harder and more meaningfully than I had in a long, long time.

"Oh Dad- I'm so, so happy."

"I am, too," he said, his voice choked up, and I knew he was crying into my shoulder. I could almost hear his thoughts: _With Diana still around, maybe we can still be normal one day._

I know that's what he still hopes for- a normal family. Dad, mom, daughter. But they don't have to be together. They don't have to be married and perfect.

But having mom alive, well- that is something I need.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief and flopped back onto the plastic chairs.

"So... do we stay?"

"She's not going to wake up until this afternoon. You'd have to stay until then," dad said, and I cringed.

"I have to head back. I've got to be at work at four," I said, referring to my job at Starbucks. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing at the moment, and certainly not using my education, but it paid the bills. Or at least some of them.

"That's ok, Nat. It's just more important that you were here, just in case something happened. Something... worse."

I blinked tears from my eyes, knowing what he was referring to.

"So should I just... go home? I need to sleep before work..."

"I have work too," Henry piped up for the first time in the past few minutes. I suddenly remembered that he worked in his campus' student center, at the desk. It was such a small thing, but I was still shocked that I forgot. "I have to be there at three."

"You two should get out of here," dad said. "Really, I'm fine on my own. It's just... very good of you to come."

"Dad, I couldn't _not_ come," I said, hugging him again. "She's my mom!"

"I know that, but I still appreciate it. And Henry- thank you for coming. It was really, really nice to see you again. Hopefully I'll see you very soon," he said, again with just a little too much feeling. He hugged Henry then. Again. Jeez.

After some more small talk, we turned and left.

"I'm really glad your mom's ok," Henry said.

"Thanks," I said at first, and then sighed in relief. "Me, too. I couldn't stand it if she went this way- without a goodbye or anything. Completely out of her control."

"Yeah. But on the plus side, at least she didn't _want_ to die, you know?" He sounded like he was trying anything to cheer me up. I _was_ cheered up: mom wasn't dead. Everything, for once, was good.

We were almost at his car by now. "Do you want me to drive? I got a little sleep back there..." I said, really, really not wanting to drive.

"Are you kidding?" he said, laughing. "You look like the living dead right now! I don't know that you could walk in a straight line, much less drive a _car._ There's no way I'm letting you behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle."

"Gee, thanks for your kindness," I said sarcastically. "I think, of all the things I've missed about you, your brutal honesty wasn't one of them."

I continued walking to the car, the cool air feeling good against my tired skin.

"You've, uh, missed things about me?" he asked. I turned and looked at him, his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground as he walked.

_Well, might as well start now... it's already out on the table. _

"Well, yeah. I mean, for five years you were like my constant, and then you were gone..."

"Hey," he said, looking me in the eye. "That wasn't my fault. If it had gone my way, that never would have happened. You should have known that."

"I meant... I just missed you, that's all," I stuttered out, embarassed to have even admitted that much, and then got into the car, slamming the passenger door behind me.

**Henry**

I really don't know what to think about this. I feel like I'm in high school with her again, still trying to figure her out. After five years, you'd think I'd have memorized everything about this girl- and I thought I had- but now it's like starting over. I didn't understand half the things she said- did she actually miss me, or what? And why in the world was I _still_ the guy he turned to when she needed help? She ended it, not me.

And the worst part is that she keeps _thanking_ me. Like, she doesn't understand it at _all. _I'm not helping her out to be _nice_, or because she asked... I'm helping her out because it's the right thing to do. Because, Goddammit, I still love her, and I wouldn't- no, _couldn't_- do it any other way. I don't want to be thanked, I want her to _understand!_ I'm fucking here to stay. I'm not just the guy to call when you need help, though, either. I can't ask her to love me again, but I wish I could. Because this hurts like hell.

But did this mean that this was that all I'd ever be? The shoulder to cry on? The 'nice guy'? Now, don't get me wrong- when she's upset, I don't mind helping her out. Like I said, I'd always be there for her. But was that all she ever needed me for? To piece her back together again? Why couldn't I ever be around when she was ok? When she was fun?

I think she does just think of me as the Nice Guy. And like they say, nice guys finish last.

Well, we've got two hours ahead of us left over. I have this weird feeling that, whether or not I see her again depends on these next two hours.

Well, I'm certainly not wasting them. I'm meant to be with Nat- I _know_ it. I know it more than anything. We're just supposed to be together- it's fate. Even if she hasn't figured it out yet.

Well, I have. I guess it's my job, once again, to lead her in the right direction.

* * *

**Please, please review!!! Only one more chapter!**

**I think...**


	6. Home

**Henry**

Ok. So... where should I start?

"So, Nat, what's been going on in your life for the past... I dunno....Two months?" I ask, feeling nervous.

She turned towards me. "Not much, really. Studying. Parties... Lots of stuff."

Parties? This makes me wonder. "So have you turned into a party girl again? I ask, than then I let out a laugh to hide how curious I am. Curious and worried.

"Me? No way. I did that once- not going back there again!" she said, laughing it off as though it was preposterous. "Henry- do I _look_ like a party girl?"

"No," I honestly answered. "But a lot can change in two months."

She sighed. "You can say that again."

Then our conversation drifted over school, work, people we both knew, things going on in our lives. But nothing special. Meanwhile the clock was ticking and I hadn't said any of the things I wanted to tell her.

I thought about reaching for her hand a couple times, but I just can't do it. I don't want her to pull away.

* * *

**Natalie**

The ride home's been much more talkative than the ride to the hospital, but that could just be because now I know mom's ok. But I keep thinking of having to go home soon and call Ben: should I tell him over the phone? Nah, that might be too mean. Event though he deserves it. Maybe I'll stop by his apartment right after work or something. We all live kind of close by and I can easily walk.

Henry is very chatty right now. He sounds like he used to when he had something to say and never got around to it. I wonder what it is... well, I sort of know. But I don't know if I want him to say it or not. We pass the time chatting about a bunch of crap we used to know about each other- and he's right. A lot _can c_hange in two months. I used to know everything about what he did, when he did it, and even the specifics of what was going on in his classes. Now he had a bunch of stories I haven't heard before, and I realized I had stories for him, too. With so much to say, I didn't realize how fast the time was going by, until all the sudden we were on campus. And then a few minutes later we were turning onto the street of my apartment complex. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get out of the car yet or not. All I knew was that I didn't want to go another two months without seeing Henry.

He pulled up in the driveway and shut the car off, sighing.

"So," he said, not looking at me.

"So... thanks a lot, Henry. You're... a really good friend." My words sounded cold and distant- that wasn't how I meant for them to come out, but they had anyway.

He gave a grim smile. "Yeah. So I guess I'll... see you around or something."

He looked disappointed. Like he had something to say that he never got around to.

"Henry?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Always have, always will be." Again with the grim smile. I looked away. Maybe it was best if I just left now, before I could hurt him again.

I reached for the doorhandle, but it wouldn't open. I checked; the doors were unlocked. I looked over at Henry quizzically.

"Oh, right- sorry. The doors are finicky- you know... old car and all that. Here," he said, leaning across the car to help me. I leaned back, away from him, as he tried to unlock the door. But I didn't lean far enough away. His head was right under mine, looking over at the door handle, and in this closeness all the sudden I smelled something familiar.

They say that your sense of smell is linked more closely to your memory than any other sense, and they- whoever they are- were right. All night I've been with Henry, but until now I hadn't remembered what it had been like to really _be_ with him. You know how certain things- like your house, your mom, or your dad- smell like home? Or a certain kind of perfume reminds you of a time in your life? Well, Henry smelled like home. And I'd forgotten.

Something in me broke then. I wanted to cry- how could I have ever been so stupid? How could I have forgotten? He used to be everything to me- love, home, safety- and I'd forgotten that. It had been much longer than two months since I'd stopped thinking of him that way. I'd been wrong. I hadn't stopped loving him- I'd only stopped noticing it. But not for long- now it was back, full force, hitting me like- well, pardon the expression, but like a ton of bricks.

I don't know if he'll take me back after this. But I can't let this oppurtunity pass by without trying.

What happened next was natural, really: I don't even remember thinking about it. I just put my hand on his back, and he looked up, abandoning his task of opening the door. Then I leaned down and kissed him, short and soft.

I pulled back right away, not sure whether it had been the right thing to do. But before I could apologize, he kissed me again, and then I was kissing him back, and then I couldn't tell who was kissing who anymore. And it was just so, so _right._

After a few minutes, he pulled away.

"Nat?" he asked.

"Yeah, Henry?" I responded, and despite knowing he'd kissed me back, I started worrying.

"Can I see you tonight?"

I smiled, genuinely and relieved. "Yes. I'm done with work at 7:30."

"Perfect. I'll pick you up from work- I... we have to talk about this some more. But right now," he yawned. "I need some sleep."

* * *

**Henry**

After I dropped her off, I drove back to my apartment, completely dazed. What had just happened? Were things back how they should be?

I didn't have an answer as I plopped onto my bed. But I know I'm a lot closer than before.

* * *

**Natalie**

At two, a knock woke my up from my nap. I didn't want to answer the door- I had looked absolutely disgusting when I got home, and probably only looked worse now- but no one else was home, and I felt obligated.

I opened the door, and there stood Ben. I realized that my crumpled pajamas, flat hair, pale skin, and puffy eyes probably made my battle a little easier with him than it would have with Henry.

"Oh. Hey," I said.

"Hey," he said, shuffling back and forth. "Can I come in?"

I stepped aside, and then shut the door, folding my arms. "You shouldn't be here."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I don't want you here. You were a jerk last night, and..." I didn't want to really let myself go, because I felt like I could just start screaming insults at him. That would not be the mature way to handle this. "Look. I just think you're not right for me, and we should end it now, ok?"

He shuffled back and forth again. Why wasn't he saying anything? Whatever. I continued.

"And you know- I'm not right for you, either."

He nodded this time. An improvement.

"I'm glad I met you, Ben," I said, meaning it. "It didn't work out, but I learned some things about myself. I hope you find someone someday to make you happy, because I know that's not me."

He nodded again, and then finally spoke. "I'm sorry for being a jerk last night. You're a nice person, Natalie, but you're right. We weren't ever going to work out, really. We're just... different."

I smiled. "Right. Thanks for understanding." I leaned over to hug him, and then let him out.

* * *

Work was boring- pouring coffee can only go on so long before getting tedious. I was constantly checking the clock, counting the minutes until Henry would come to pick me up. I was nervous and scared- would we be as easy around each other, or would things be awkward? Should I kiss him when I see him, or not? I couldn't say. I'd never really gotten back together with anyone before.

At seven-thirty I hung up my apron and left work. Henry was standing right outside the door.

He held out his hand, and I took it, and that was that. I realized I didn't have as much to worry about as I originally thought.

* * *

**Henry**

We went out for burgers, and just talked. I found out that she _had_ missed me, and that she broke up with Ben today. I laughed a lot, too. We didn't just talk about us, and whether we were an item or not. We talked about everything, both easily and naturally. I had missed her more than I even knew.

She bought me dinner- "For picking me up in the middle of the night and driving me," she'd said. I had said no, but she insisted. Of course. She could never, ever, be indebted to anyone. Everything always had to be an even playing field.

Later, I was driving her home, and I walked her to her door, like I used to. She had said once that it was sweet, and since then, I had done it every time I dropped her off.

I kissed her again then, but this time neither of us pulled away. She wrapped her arms around me neck and I held her close, and it became clear that neither of us was going to be the first to say 'goodbye' tonight. We'd spent too long apart to go our separate ways now.

"My roommates aren't home," she reminded me. Problem solved.

* * *

Afterwards, we lay together on her bed in each other's arms. I looked over at the clock; it was still only 10:45.

"Nat?" I whispered. She looked almost like she was asleep.

"Hm?"

"You know what's weird?"

"What?" She looked up at me, her brown eyes wide, and I couldn't help but smile. I realized then that no one in the world could be happier than me at that moment.

"Just that, not even a whole day ago, if someone had asked me about you, I couldn't have said what you'd been up to. We were still completely not together. I hadn't even seen you... and then now..."

She smiled and leaned up, kissing me. "Now, things are right back where they should be," she said. I couldn't help but agree.

* * *

**Natalie**

In the morning, I opened my eyes to see the familiar surroundings of my room in my apartment. It was quiet; I remembered my roommates (two sisters) were home visiting family. And then I rolled over and saw Henry asleep in my bed. Happiness washed over me like warmth; I hadn't felt the feeling in so long. I didn't know how I could have forgotten that I loved him, but I did. Well, it wouldn't happen again.

I couldn't help smiling, it was like a natural reflex that I couldn't control. I rested my hand on Henry's back and kissed his cheek. His eyelids fluttered.

"Good morning," I said, softly, kissing him again. "Welcome back."

He rolled over, opening his arms to me. I gladly snuggled up against them. "Welcome _home,_" he corrected.

I didn't know if he was talking about me or him- was he welcoming himself back, or me?

And then it realized he wasn't talking about either.

He was talking about us. We, together, had made it home.


End file.
